Life is cruel and unforgiving.

Oh boy. Where to begin...
I guess I'll start with the beginning:
I want to a party last night.
I was told almost immediately upon entering by "MrsClaus" (my friend, and a hostess) that her friend thought I was "really cute."
Shortly thereafter I am informed that TheFriend is not there. My feelings are hurt.
I quickly realize that there a large number of gay dudes.
I think I got felt up by a gay dude.
I got asked if I was gay. Queue drinking.
I am asked if I am gay again. Queue unhealthy binge-drink..
I tell one of the hosts of the party (a female) that she is a bitch, and as she becomes offended, I try (unsuccessfully) to convince her that it was a compliment
I leave the room pursued by the sounds of her shrieking.
I am asked if i am gay for the 5th or 6th time in the night. Queue attempted suicide by alcohol-poisoning.

The next thing I remember, TheRoommate is telling me I need to wake up, it is four, and that it smells like puke in our room.

If maybe I could just have one peaceful, successful night with a GODDAMNED WOMAN, I wouldn't do these things to myself.

The moment you'fce all been waiting for!

I/mt drunk again! and in y computer, There's not much to say about tonight aexcrept yhat my roommate's girlfriend was trying to come on to me. iI fdid my besst to deny her advances, and i avoidd puttin gmy penis in or around her. As per usuall i was a self-depricatory motherfucker, opting to instedda make ymself loik like a douhce to randokm girls that might hav otherwise bene fonfd of mel.,


Fuck youre sbhit!
-0 optikmusik pormin,e.

How to tell if your life is pathetic (part 2):

Your life MIGHT be pathetic if:

1. You spend most of your time at parties hustling people to the back of the house because they're drunk and rowdy, AND/OR splitting up drunken Peruvian fights because you passed Spanish 4.
2. You convince a really hot girl to make-out with you, only to willingly give her up to your roommate so that he can partake in a three-way make-out session for no other reason than the fact that you apparently hate yourself and are some sort of make-out-masochist.
3. You stabbed someone with a plastic fork not because you were drunk, but because you probably need medication and aren't on it.
4. You pride yourself on touching unwitting girls' bottoms, but when a girl literally attaches herself to you for no other reason than "she wants to follow you," you shrug her off for no other reason than because you apparently hate yourself and are some sort of sex-masochist.
5. You might actually be considered a smoker, now, considering that you have a favorite brand, can tell the difference between menthols and regular, and you know what kind of cigarettes are for bitches and which are for men.
6. After all that, you still look forward to doing the same thing next Friday, because your life doesn't get much better than that.

5 posts in one day...

Don't expect anymore 'til Christmas.


Just kidding.

I have nothing better to do.

Anyways, I've come to a decision:
I don't think I'm going to go to anymore indie-kid parties. All the girls are too pretentious/self-righteous, and all the guys are too girly.
Last time I went to one I got bitched out because the girl whose shoes I had to put on for her [because she was too drunk to see] were a pain in the ass, and there was a guy in the bathroom crying about how his girlfriend broke up with him.

You think I'm joking, but really... this happened.


oh, also, I'm pretty sure I kicked down someone's door or something, so I think all the indie kids on campus hate me now, too. In my defense, I was too drunk to even remember if I did it (I just remember someone accusing me and me denying it), but i distinctly remember that they DID ask me to help open it. If you're going to ask Optimus prime to help with something, you better be prepared to accept the full consequences of such a request.

So yeah, no more indie friends for me.

And then God said "Let the world know of the greatness that is Optimus Prime," and thus it was that OP moved to Blogspot.

Anyways, I did party last night. It wasn't a great party, and I only had like... 3 beers and a Jell-O shot, so there's not really anything exciting to tell. My roommate, on the other hand, went to visit a friend of his at SUNY Geneseo. It's like half an hour away, and he had a pretty good time as far as I can discern. He called me at one point in the night, and was telling me how I was going to go with him next time because there was so much vodka. He also accused me of being Mexican, although I guess it was alright in context:
Roommate: "Optimus, I don't care if you're socialist, I still think you're cool."
Optimus: (barely containing my laughter) "Okay"
Roommate: "I don't care if you're Mexican, I still think you're cool. Optimus is Mexican."
Optimus: (laughing blatantly now) "I'm not fucking mexican!"
Roommate: "Optimus isn't Mexican. Optimus, what are you?"
Optimus: "I'm fucking... black and gypsy!"
Roommate: "He's black and gypsy. Optimus, you're fucking Mexican!"

Anyways, at some point in the conversation, the phone got passed to this girl who he was with. Being ever the great pick-up artist I am (sometimes) we talked for a while, and according to [Geneseo] I sound "attractive," "nice," and "confident." Score.
Alright, she was pretty trashed, but still... I've already laid the groundwork, and as far as I can tell, she's coming to RIT sometime in the next month.
Anyways, that's not even the highlight of our convo. Apparently, at some time when we were on the phone, Roommate decided to break into the neighbor's house.
Geneseo: "Oh no. Now Roommate's breaking and entering. He just opened someone's screen and walked into their house"
Optimus: "You should probably go stop him."
Geneseo: "Yes, I should. Wait. Now he's in the kitchen. Oh, he's looking in the fridge, he found a bottle. He's drinking it."
Optimus: (laughing)
Geneseo: "He's out now."
Optimus: "Good, good."

Yes. My roommate broke into someone's house for the sole purpose of drinking their liquor. If I haven't said it before, I'm pretty sure that my roommate and I are like a perfect match.

Optimus rereads drunken blog

Again, I will chose to not censor myself, but instead make a new post with the juicy bits I forgot. For example:
At Party 1, there was a Russian kid. I said "hey you're from Russia, aren't you?"
And the conversation went as follows:
"Yes, I am from Russia and I know that if anyone comes up to me and talks about a random subject I can tell from that conversation the history of mankind."
Yeah, it was pretty intense.
The greatest part about [Russia] was when he couldn't open this beer he was holding. It wasn't a twist off, but if it was, he still probably wouldn't have been able to get it open. Anyways, he tried to give it to a woman to open.
Optimus: "Nigga, please. That's a fucking man's job," and I snatched it from the bitch and opened it with my teeth. There was weird foil around the cap, but I just bit through that, too. Vietnamese people wrap their beers weird. He and the broad and the dude the the broad was with were all sufficiently impressed. I don't know who said it (it might've been me) but the word "hardcore" was definitely mentioned.
[Russia]: "I will make these people drink to your health!"
Optimus: "Yeah, drink to my health!"
Then they did. Even the woman, who was the designated driver* drank to my health.

Then, I can't recall if I mentioned this,but that party was busted up by the 5-0. nothing serious, we just had to leave, and my feel-copping was cut short.

But, I guess if it hadn't been busted up, we would've missed the hot naked chicks... so that's good.

Also, they had a bar at the next party, so I didn't have to sip the disgusting beer they had (Natural Ice, Genny light, queer shit like that) but instead I could drink mixed beverages like a man.
Well, I started with a Cosmo, which is only really manly if I get to make it myself.
But then I had a gin and tonic, because I knew it would fuck me in half.
And then I did a shot of vodka without a chaser because I'm hardcore. Well, actually, that's sorta run of the mill for me and most of my drinking friends from So-Cal, but... like I said... I'm probably the most hardcore person in the state of New York. IT went like this:
[Shooter]: "I'm doing shots! Who wants to do shots?" (points at Optimus) "Do you want to do shots?"
Optimus: "Are they free?"
Shooter: "Sorry man, they're a dollar.'
Optimus: "Fuck that, I've only got a dollar left."
Shooter: "Then do a shot!"
Optimus: "...Fine. What're we doing?"
Shooter: "Anything you want! I'm doing a lemon drop."
Optimus: "Sounds gay."
Shooter: "Do you even know what it is?"
Optimus: "Yeah, isn't it a shot of vodka with a lemon wedge afterwards?"
Shooter: "Hell yeah-"
Optimus "Fuck that, I'll do a straight shot of vodka."
Shooter: "Oh dayum! I want to see this."
And then I did it. No biggie.
Shooter: "Oh shit, dude. That was hardcore."
Optimus: "That was nothing."
High-fives all around for Optimus!! Even the 'bartender' gave me a high-five.
I'm awesome.

The only other noteworthy thing was that I apparently posted a comment on my ex-girlfriends page saying something exactly like:
"Let's fuck and make babies.

Seriously.


... So there's that.

Oh... 1 more thing. Ihe kid I went out with (initially) got too drunk and puked in the sink.
I showered upstairs today.

Addenda (addendum?) to my Saturday post:

While i have decided NOT to edit my wonderfully drunk post from last Saturday evening/ Sunday morning, there are a few things that either 1) I remembered only afterwards, when I was sober, or 2) that happened after the post, yet are still post-worthy. So, without further adoooooo:

First I'd like to say that all the events of last Saturday night's partying required me to be intoxicated by only 8 beers and a shot of coffee liqueur. Before you all say shit like "omgzorz Optimus, did you live your liver in San Diego lolz" I must let the record show that Saturday was also the last day of the I Phelta Thi (or whatever sorority) Red Cross blood drive. So, with the information that I was short a sack or two of blood only makes the fact that I remember in almost perfect lucidity the happenings of that evening even greater testament to my ginormous manhood. I make a CERTAIN physics teacher (whom I don't want to incriminate because he's probably tied for the position of number 1 teacher at my high school) proud.

2) What is likely the highlight of my evening was one of the things that happened latest in the night. As we stood outside the last party waiting for our ride or whatever, my roommate, TheRoommate, was macking with his lady companion of the evening. He announced at some point that he was going to go back to her room, and the conversation proceeded as follows:
TheRoommate "I'm going back to [Girl]'s room, so, uh, I'll see you in the morning."
Optimus "Ooohh... sex."
The Roommate "Haha, yeah we're going to snuggle."
Optimus (obscene hand gesture)
TheRoommate (laughs)
[Girl] "Oh my god that's so gross!"
TheRoommate "Haha, you're drunk."
[Girl] "Haha, yeah..."
They start to kiss again.
Optimus "Remember, TheRoommate... Date rape is illegal."
The Roommate(laughs)
[Girl] (blank stare)

3) Another note-worthy event (the hilarity of that pun will get you in a couple of lines) was what happened just after I posted the initial blog.
My initial plan was just to sleep on the floor. The dorms here at RIT all have bunk beds, and... well, I just didn't see that fairing well. Note: I live in upstate New York now (dhur) so it's cold as shit. And TheRoommate had left his window open all day and night, meaning that at the time I decided to finally pass out, it was probably close on 40 degrees in our room.
Since it was cold as shit, I grabbed the nearest thing to me, using it as a blanket. Ahh, beauticious. Seconds away from unconsciousness, I realize that I'm probably a bit of a spectacle there, lying in the middle of the floor, wrapped in my bath towel, and that the logical thing to do would be to leave a note for my roommate when he happens upon me in the morning. So I clumsily rise, grab a sheet of printer paper and scrawl on it in Sharpie: (note: this is verbatim)
"Dear TheRoommate:
Just kick me in the face. I probably deserve it.
Fuck your Shit
- Optimus."
I lay back down and, not wanting to display this proudly on the door for my RA (who lives in the room next door) to discover. Did I mention that I live in the substance free dorm? Because I do.
Anyways, there I am, lying on the ground, under my towel, with this note placed delicately on top of it all. And after all that effort, I realize that it's unavoidable that my RA will use his master key to come into my room and discover me like this so he can document me. Drunk-logic is amazing, isn't it? Not only is that totally against the rules, but my RA just isn't that intrusive or mean. Anyways, I toss the note, hang up my towel, and crawl clumsily into the shaky bed to crash (only figuratively, fortunately) and wake up at noon the following day.
Good times.

4) Last, and also probably least; I wore a pretty generic "Oh shit it's cold and I'm in a bitchy mood and about to get drunk outfit": my normal clothes topped with a black hoodie and my skeleton-hand gloves. It was at the last party that some relatively drunk dude asked me, seemingly out of nowhere what kind of music I'm into.
Optimus (at the top of my lungs) "SKA!!"
[Dude] "Haha, cool. I was kinda worried that you were like, emo or something."
Optimus "FUCK THAT SHIT."
Anyways, I guess that this guy overheard me. Hes all like
"DUDE I LOVE SKA!! YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOW WHEN THERE ARE SKA SHOWS IN ROCHESTER!!"
So I get his name and number, and tell him about how he missed the $1 ska show he missed on campus the night before.
He nearly threw a pissy fit. But he was one of those drunks that never stops smiling. ... Fuck you, you had to be there. I thought it was hilarious, and so did TheRoommate.
Oh, also, there was a guy that was wearing a Rancid sweater at the same party. I commented on it, we started talking about which albums we liked, and seemingly out of nowhere, he asked if I like the Aquabats. I unzip my shirt to reveal my Aquacadets shirt, and he unzips his sweater to reveal an MCBC shirt. It was sick, AND unexpected.

Optimus Prime visits his first-ever college party; types drunk.

As 9i type tyhis, i'm smashed off my face. Not quite smashed offmy ass, so i guess on the tucker max scale that means i'm pretty much fucked in half. Anyaways, tponight i went o my fitrst college party.Well, actually, first 3 college parties. so i guess i'll recant those to you.

Party one: i got a ride from a broad in a ford focus. we had 6 peopleand 4 seats/ My roommate was hooking up with the one girl on campus for whom i'd cut mu dick off to have sex qith. That's pleasant, so i mumble about how id like to kill everyon uner my breath. When we get to the party, i down a beer, and then proceed to play a drinking game involving cards called Mr. Dickhead. Obviously, i win, and down 3 beerz during the course of the game. Some dick tries to coax us out of our money to ;'buy more beer' and i bitch,
we get our money back, and as we're kleaving, i pee in his bathroom sink. Take that, Fucker!
[
partyuc2: nothing. we leave, and i'm the only one with more liquor in his system: io chug some cofee liquuerr. GROSS, but alcoholic.

Pary 3: we drove around a boit to find it, but we did, eventually. Turns out, this one's on campus. Anyways, i drink acouple [dozen]more nbeeers and get fucked in half. Undoubtedly, i curse out some bitches, kick some stuff (tiurns out the bike chained to the front porch belongs to one of the kids throwing the party;... ooops.); anyways, eventually i'm so drunk that i hate everything more than before. That's usually a bad sign. I moke too sgharettes, without takingeither ut of my mout.. I bet i look cool when i do it. In my defense, at least i fijnsidhed the,.. WWehn the bitch (tyyeah, she was a women fdriver, but atl lesast sehw was sober...) drives me home, i get out befroe the car stops, and i sahout "Thanks, fat bithc," bedfore storming to my room to type this. Ih vane;t looked at the screen since i typedthis, mostly for comedic affet. So.... enjoy. I'll probably post another versioj tommoroow morning when i'm sober so that yuo can actually undersand what i'm tyuping. Bitches.