Optimus rereads drunken blog

Again, I will chose to not censor myself, but instead make a new post with the juicy bits I forgot. For example:
At Party 1, there was a Russian kid. I said "hey you're from Russia, aren't you?"
And the conversation went as follows:
"Yes, I am from Russia and I know that if anyone comes up to me and talks about a random subject I can tell from that conversation the history of mankind."
Yeah, it was pretty intense.
The greatest part about [Russia] was when he couldn't open this beer he was holding. It wasn't a twist off, but if it was, he still probably wouldn't have been able to get it open. Anyways, he tried to give it to a woman to open.
Optimus: "Nigga, please. That's a fucking man's job," and I snatched it from the bitch and opened it with my teeth. There was weird foil around the cap, but I just bit through that, too. Vietnamese people wrap their beers weird. He and the broad and the dude the the broad was with were all sufficiently impressed. I don't know who said it (it might've been me) but the word "hardcore" was definitely mentioned.
[Russia]: "I will make these people drink to your health!"
Optimus: "Yeah, drink to my health!"
Then they did. Even the woman, who was the designated driver* drank to my health.

Then, I can't recall if I mentioned this,but that party was busted up by the 5-0. nothing serious, we just had to leave, and my feel-copping was cut short.

But, I guess if it hadn't been busted up, we would've missed the hot naked chicks... so that's good.

Also, they had a bar at the next party, so I didn't have to sip the disgusting beer they had (Natural Ice, Genny light, queer shit like that) but instead I could drink mixed beverages like a man.
Well, I started with a Cosmo, which is only really manly if I get to make it myself.
But then I had a gin and tonic, because I knew it would fuck me in half.
And then I did a shot of vodka without a chaser because I'm hardcore. Well, actually, that's sorta run of the mill for me and most of my drinking friends from So-Cal, but... like I said... I'm probably the most hardcore person in the state of New York. IT went like this:
[Shooter]: "I'm doing shots! Who wants to do shots?" (points at Optimus) "Do you want to do shots?"
Optimus: "Are they free?"
Shooter: "Sorry man, they're a dollar.'
Optimus: "Fuck that, I've only got a dollar left."
Shooter: "Then do a shot!"
Optimus: "...Fine. What're we doing?"
Shooter: "Anything you want! I'm doing a lemon drop."
Optimus: "Sounds gay."
Shooter: "Do you even know what it is?"
Optimus: "Yeah, isn't it a shot of vodka with a lemon wedge afterwards?"
Shooter: "Hell yeah-"
Optimus "Fuck that, I'll do a straight shot of vodka."
Shooter: "Oh dayum! I want to see this."
And then I did it. No biggie.
Shooter: "Oh shit, dude. That was hardcore."
Optimus: "That was nothing."
High-fives all around for Optimus!! Even the 'bartender' gave me a high-five.
I'm awesome.

The only other noteworthy thing was that I apparently posted a comment on my ex-girlfriends page saying something exactly like:
"Let's fuck and make babies.

Seriously.


... So there's that.

Oh... 1 more thing. Ihe kid I went out with (initially) got too drunk and puked in the sink.
I showered upstairs today.

Optimus Prime visits more college parties

If ythey invented a number that was higher than infinity, thatwould be how many butts on which i copped a feel tnigh at party 1. also, there wasa russian kid, with whom i talked; he said "I know that any subject anoyone talks abouti cantellthe futriure of human kind from that discussion,. then ii opened his beer with my teeth, and he made everyobne toast to my health.

arty 2 i fetlsomeasses,drank a c osmo,a shot o vodka, and ag in and toonic,i'm fucked up.
I chilled with pobably the chi,lest niggazon campus. I'm Black now!!!

they call me Cali.
It'ssicel.


oh. in between parties, wesaw two girls streak buttass naked.
I toucched their breasts.