I have a feeling this might turn into something of a saga...

Alright. This is a long one. But good. Trust me. It starts with TheRoommate's ex-girlfriend, who is supposed to come up to visit RIT for a hockey game this weekend. I have heard a couple of stories about her, and most of them paint her to be a bitch. To quote TheRoommate, "The more I talk to her, the more glad I am we broke up." Now, I don't know her very well (read: at all) but TheRoommate's pretty much my best friend at this school, so I'll take his word for it. Besides, he's too nice to rip her a new one when she OBVIOUSLY needs it.
The final straw (in my opinion) came with this correspondence between TheRoommate, and his ex-, who we'll call TheEx. In short, he was asking her to go out partying (read: drinking) with us before the hockey game.

"Hey, there are a couple options for the hockey game. I could come pick you and [TheExFriend] up and we could go, i could pick you up and we could go pregame (as in drink alcohol) at [Sailor]'s house and then walk to blue cross (he lives on park ave), or i could pregame and take the bus then meet you there. Whatever you would like to do is what we'll do. I'm going to be going to halloween a party on saturday night for sure, and probably friday night (unless i venture to suny albany with [HockeyStar]). You are welcome to come to either or both but the parties will probably cost 5 dollars for as much beer and possibly jungle juice as you can drink. A good deal for me and probably a bad deal for you. If you byob to the friday party i could get you in for free but I'm not sure about the saturday party. Anyways message me back and tell me what you'd like to do.


TheRoommate."

A reasonable request, no? Well, apparently not according to TheEx.

"haha umm...i dunno if drinking beforehand is really a good idea. i'd rather the three of us just went together. we can discuss further. i still have to ask [TheExFriend] if she even wants to go. plus if we drink, how am i going to get back to my campus? if you brought the car with you when you came, i could drive myself and [TheExFriend] around and keep the car here for the weekend, but that is pretty complicated. i dunno what im doing friday and sat. night. when is the hockey game anyway?? i would like to go to a party with you. i think we should talk about all of this on the phone b/c im kind of confused about the schedule right now. so ill call u sometime before friday , or you can call me.

TheEx"

What a bitch, right? Well, Optimus Prime is having NONE OF THIS (sobriety? PSHAW!), so when TheRoommate read to me, I was filled with sudden resolve to put this broad IN HER PLACE. Here is the letter I wrote to her in response - keep in mind that she has never heard of me, so I might've gone a bit "too far" but... fuck her:

"Dear Bitch,
You are woman, and as such, your opinion in the matters of men - such as my roommate, TheRoommate, and I - is NIL. Whether you like it or not, we are going to get rip-faced drunk before the hockey game, and you will be lucky if we are able to walk in without getting arrested, let alone drive you're bitchy PMS-ass home. I say these things not only because they're true, but because you seriously need to learn your place, you dumb bitch. Which is in the kitchen.
Maybe next time before you say what TheRoommate can or cannot do, maybe you'll consider that TheRoommate is a grown-ass man, and he does what he wants, when he wants, especially if it involves it involves me getting drunk. And no woman can say otherwise.

- OptimusPrime.

P.S. I hope you learned your lesson: DON'T FUCK WITH TheRoommate BECAUSE YOU FUCK WITH ME TOO.

P.P.S. TheRoommate was probably always too good for you.

P.P.P.S. TheRoommate's new girlfriend is hotter than you ever could be."

Here's the letter which I SENT to her... Apparently, TheRoommate did think the original was a little too harsh:

"Dear TheEx,
You are woman, and as such, your opinion in the matters of men - such as my roommate, TheRoommate, and I - is NIL. Whether you like it or not, we are going to get rip-faced drunk before the hockey game, and you will be lucky if we are able to walk in without getting arrested, let alone drive you home. I say these things not only because they're true, but because you seriously need to learn your place. Which is in the kitchen.
Maybe next time before you say what TheRoommate can or cannot do, maybe you'll consider that TheRoommate is a grown-ass man, and he does what he wants, when he wants, especially if it involves it involves me getting drunk. And no woman can say otherwise.

- Optimus Prime

P.S. I hope you learned your lesson: DON'T FUCK WITH TheRoommate BECAUSE YOU FUCK WITH ME TOO.

P.P.S. TheRoommate was probably always too good for you."

I eagerly await her reply.


UPDATE: Exacty one hour and twenty minutes after I sent my response, I get this:

You are an idiot. Seriously. You have a problem--probably many, so, I would suggest getting some help. I don't care what you think (I don't generally take life advice from those who do not have lives of their own--which you obviously don't, judging by your comments to me).

Honestly, do you realize that if anybody reads what you just wrote (which, I promise you, many people will because I'm not one to "learn my place") they will think you are a grade A basket case? I certainly do. TheRoommate is one of my very good friends and I daresay I know him better than you ever will, so don't you DARE tell me what to do when it comes to our friendship.

Besides, if you must know, I am looking out for his best interests. I am still going to say and do what I want. I hope you know that nothing you say has any bearing on me. What you just wrote to me is basically harrassment, and if you don't learn YOUR place, I will do something about it. Don't think I'm kidding, because you don't intimidate me.

-TheEx

To which I replied:

Hahahahahahahahaha.
Hahaha.
If you must know, I wrote that with the sole intention of upsetting TheRoommate. If I had known that you'd be so ill-equipped to take and appreciate a joke, I probably wouldn't have wasted my time writing it in the first place, and I'm beginning to feel sorry that I did. Actually, I probably still would have, seeing as the look on his face as I read the (initially) fake letter as I typed it was a - hilarious - mixture of shock and awe; if he hadn't assured me that you'd "probably just laugh" - like he did - I definitely wouldn't have bothered. I must say, I'm a little disappointed.

In your defense, it might've been a little harsh in some places, but just think of me as an insult-comic protected by the anonymity of the internet.

- Optimus Prime.

Yeah. Threw her for a loop.