Andrew Jackson was the best president the United States has ever had or will ever have.
He is a badass.
These are my evidences:
- He is on the $20 bill. I argue that this is the best bill because it is of the largest value of all moderately-well circulated bills, and has the most usability in every-day settings. Sure, throwin' down a Franklin is pretty awesome, but like... how many times can you do it in a regular day without being a dick? And for that matter, who short of Ludacris will really carry more than one or 2 100-dollar bills. Twenties, on the other hand... noone thinks you're pompous if you toss down a 20 for some McDonald's, or a Starbucks, and you can carry around 20 or so without really feeling like a dick.
- He has a striking similarity to Hugh Grant, one of my favorite actors. Disagree?
You're wrong. They DO look very similar, and Hugh Grant IS an awesome dude. So suck it.
- He was the one and only military governor of Florida. Yeah. Military. Right in the title.
- He was the 7th president. 7 is an awesome number. Disagree? You're wrong. Go play some craps, you dick. Plus, seven is prime (like Optimus), and like... heptagons and shit have all cool properties and shit. So suck it!
- He was taken as a prisoner of war during the American Revolution - aged just thirteen! Not only did he almost starve to death, but he was so badass, he refused to clean the boots of a redcoat who cut him with a sword. I beg you to ask yourself what YOU were doing at 13.
Masturbating, probably. Twat.
- Direct quote from Wikipedia (more reliable than most dicks give credit):
Jackson's service in the War of 1812 against the United Kingdom was conspicuous for bravery and success
Conspicuous... for BRAVERY and SUCCESS. That's the best kind of conspicuosness, if you ask me.
- I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he was the only president to have 2 vice presidents. Not because he picked a pussy who died, but because John C. Calhoun is a bitch who ran away to South Carolina for some bullshit states' rights stuff. AND Jackson's so badass, he had NO vice president for a whole fucking year. You might bitch, "Wahhh, that's undemocratic tyranny, blah, my vagina hurts!" but it's the opposite. He was so against tyranny that he was glad to be rid of all the middlemen so he could protect democracy with a fervor that was unmatchable by any other federal politicians.
- Reduced the debt to the lowest it had been since 1791.
-Repeatedly tried to disband the electoral college.
- He was the first president handed a baby to kiss.
- When Calhoun started being a bitch and supporting the South Carolina pussies that wanted to secede not pay tariffs that they were supposed to, Jackson called him out.
Jackson rose first, glared at Calhoun, and in a booming voice shouted "Our federal Union: IT MUST BE PRESERVED!"
It is said that Calhoun replied with something less impressive, and his voice was noticeably trembling.
Also, Jackson followed Calhoun to S.C. because he said he was going to "personally hang the first man to disobey the tariff." So. Fucking. Badass.
- He was the first president with any attempt at bodily harm made. Some navy guy he laid off came and smacked him at some thing and then ran off. Jackson didn't even press charges. AND THEN, some other dick comes up to 60-year-old Jackson with TWO pistols, intending to kill him, and they BOTH misfire. The bullets were literally SO afraid of him, they wouldn't even come out of the gun. So Andrew (we're on a first name basis) beats the guy nearly to death with his cane. His aides had to restrain him. Davy Crockett was there.
- He fought 13 duels in his life (another awesome number), most for his wife's honor. He killed a dude in one of the duels. Yeah... Since Andrew knew this other prick was a faster draw, he let the guy shoot first. Fucker shoots Andrew right in the chest, but he doesn't even flinch. No, he just takes a good, long time to aim his pistol at the guys face and drops him. Dead. But I think that one was over a horse race, but also a little bit about his wife, too. Oh also, he live like 40 years with that bullet in his chest.
- He had 2 kids, but acted as a guardian for 10. And his wife was totally dead at the time.
So... yeah.
Andrew Jackson.
Best President ever.
