On Top of Everything

Andrew Jackson was a romantic. He was a lover AND a fighter. The love and devotion he felt for his country was only matched by that for his wife. If you had any reason to believe that I cared about what anyone else said, especially on the character of Andrew Jackson, let me say here that I don't, and that Andrew Jackson is the single greatest thing that has happened to this world. It is by his example that I have chosen to live the rest of my life.

To Rachel Jackson
From Andrew Jackson
Nashville January 8th. 1813

My love,

I have this evening since dark received, your affectionate letter by Dunwodie

He has carefully handed me your miniature—I shall wear it near my boosom, but this was useless, for without your miniature, my recollection, never fails me of your likeness.

It now one Oclock in the morning the candle nearly out, and I must to bed, May the angelic hosts that rewards & protects virtue and innocence, and preserves the good, be with you untill I return - is the sincere supplications of your affectionate Husband

Andrew Jackson

To Rachel Jackson
From Andrew Jackson
Head quarters Fort Strother
February 21rst 1814

My love, I have this moment recd. your letter of the 10th Instant, and am grieved to think the pain my absence occasions

I have a pleasing hope of seeing you before long -can I get up my supplies shortly I will soon put an end to the Creek war, as soon as this is done and I can honourably, retire, I shall, return to your arms on the wings of love & affection

Andrew Jackson

Rachel and Andrew Jackson: A Love Story

Drunk History: Worth Watching... over, and over, and over...

Don't believe me?
Suck a cock :D
Drunk History Vol. 1 featuring Michael Cera:


Drunk History Vol. 2 featuring Jack Black:


Drunk History Vol. 2.5 featuring Jack Black:


And with that, I present to you...
DRUNK HISTORY VOL. 3 FEATURING OPTIMUS PRIME

Alright, so there's no video, and I wasn't actually drunk when I thought up the idea, nor now, while I'm writing it, but... still.
Fuck you.
Drunk History by ME.

Alright so Andrew Jackson is like 40 years old and he's the chief general of the Tennessee militia, and a judge on the Tennessee supreme court, and he has the best horse in Tennessee, and the most slaves, and he's pretty much an all-around bad-ass. And there's this guy, Charles Dickinson, who, as the name implies, is an all-around son of a dick. And this Dicky guy is young and trying to make a name for himself and he's being a prick, and says some shit about Andrew Jackson, and then Andy's like "You are a coward and a poltroon!" and Charles is like "You are a coward and a poltroon!"
And so eventually, Andrew has had enough, and he' like "Alright... you fucking... poltroon. Let's fucking fight this shit out. You probably dissed my wife, and you definitely dissed me and my bros, so I'm going to duel you, and I'm going to shoot you."
And it takes a while (because he's a puss) but Dickinson finally agrees, and is all like "Bitch, please. I got like 5 times as many bros as you, and I'm pretty much the greatest shot in all of Tennessee, so I'll shoot your old ass and you can suck a nut."
So they go to their arranged dueling place, and they're at 24 yards, right, and Dickinson is really a better shot, so he's real confident, and he draws faster, so he knows he can win.
So one of their guys is all like "Fire!"
And the thing is the Dickinson does shoot first. He shoots Andrew Jackson right in the heart, but the thing about THAT thing is that Jackson is wearing a baggy jacket, so he actually gets shot like an inch away from his heart, and the bullet explodes on his ribcage. And everyone's stunned as shit. Jackson stumbles, corrects his balance, and is staring right at Dickinson, whose jaw is totally floored, by the way. Jackson takes his sweet time to aim and then squeezes the trigger.
Nothing happened, because it was only half cocked, so he cocked it right and then kills Dickinson. He shot him in the heart, and he crumpled to the ground like a dead guy. It actually took him like a day and a half to die, but he still died before his wife got to see him, so it was still pretty hardcore. And Andrew Jackson is still like "If he had shot me in my brain or my heart, I still would've killed him."
Which is probably true. Bullets back then were pretty small and Andrew Jackson was a fiery raging inferno of brutality.
And that is the first time Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson... a man.

Time Out from the Ordeal

I want to start a scremo or hardcore band.
Maybe even grindcore.

Actually it'll SOUND like one of those, but it will be called historycore, because all the lyrics to all songs will be about important historical events and/or people.

What I had in mind was a band called one of the following:
Old Hickory
King Andrew
The Hero[es] of New Orleans
Mischievious Andy
[The]Sharp Knife/Knives
The Caped Crusader[s]
or
Mobocracy.

If you hadn't guessed already, all our music would be inspired by the life and times of Andrew M.F. Jackson, 7th president of the United States.

Who's down?
I can scream and/or play bass, so we'd probably need a guitarist (or two), a drummer (for sure), and maybe a keyboard-er... i made that word up.



MOBOCRACY.

Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson was the best president the United States has ever had or will ever have.
He is a badass.

These are my evidences:
- He is on the $20 bill. I argue that this is the best bill because it is of the largest value of all moderately-well circulated bills, and has the most usability in every-day settings. Sure, throwin' down a Franklin is pretty awesome, but like... how many times can you do it in a regular day without being a dick? And for that matter, who short of Ludacris will really carry more than one or 2 100-dollar bills. Twenties, on the other hand... noone thinks you're pompous if you toss down a 20 for some McDonald's, or a Starbucks, and you can carry around 20 or so without really feeling like a dick.

- He has a striking similarity to Hugh Grant, one of my favorite actors. Disagree?
You're wrong. They DO look very similar, and Hugh Grant IS an awesome dude. So suck it.


- He was the one and only military governor of Florida. Yeah. Military. Right in the title.

- He was the 7th president. 7 is an awesome number. Disagree? You're wrong. Go play some craps, you dick. Plus, seven is prime (like Optimus), and like... heptagons and shit have all cool properties and shit. So suck it!

- He was taken as a prisoner of war during the American Revolution - aged just thirteen! Not only did he almost starve to death, but he was so badass, he refused to clean the boots of a redcoat who cut him with a sword. I beg you to ask yourself what YOU were doing at 13.
Masturbating, probably. Twat.

- Direct quote from Wikipedia (more reliable than most dicks give credit):

Jackson's service in the War of 1812 against the United Kingdom was conspicuous for bravery and success

Conspicuous... for BRAVERY and SUCCESS. That's the best kind of conspicuosness, if you ask me.

- I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he was the only president to have 2 vice presidents. Not because he picked a pussy who died, but because John C. Calhoun is a bitch who ran away to South Carolina for some bullshit states' rights stuff. AND Jackson's so badass, he had NO vice president for a whole fucking year. You might bitch, "Wahhh, that's undemocratic tyranny, blah, my vagina hurts!" but it's the opposite. He was so against tyranny that he was glad to be rid of all the middlemen so he could protect democracy with a fervor that was unmatchable by any other federal politicians.

- Reduced the debt to the lowest it had been since 1791.

-Repeatedly tried to disband the electoral college.

- He was the first president handed a baby to kiss.

- When Calhoun started being a bitch and supporting the South Carolina pussies that wanted to secede not pay tariffs that they were supposed to, Jackson called him out.

Jackson rose first, glared at Calhoun, and in a booming voice shouted "Our federal Union: IT MUST BE PRESERVED!"

It is said that Calhoun replied with something less impressive, and his voice was noticeably trembling.
Also, Jackson followed Calhoun to S.C. because he said he was going to "personally hang the first man to disobey the tariff." So. Fucking. Badass.

- He was the first president with any attempt at bodily harm made. Some navy guy he laid off came and smacked him at some thing and then ran off. Jackson didn't even press charges. AND THEN, some other dick comes up to 60-year-old Jackson with TWO pistols, intending to kill him, and they BOTH misfire. The bullets were literally SO afraid of him, they wouldn't even come out of the gun. So Andrew (we're on a first name basis) beats the guy nearly to death with his cane. His aides had to restrain him. Davy Crockett was there.

- He fought 13 duels in his life (another awesome number), most for his wife's honor. He killed a dude in one of the duels. Yeah... Since Andrew knew this other prick was a faster draw, he let the guy shoot first. Fucker shoots Andrew right in the chest, but he doesn't even flinch. No, he just takes a good, long time to aim his pistol at the guys face and drops him. Dead. But I think that one was over a horse race, but also a little bit about his wife, too. Oh also, he live like 40 years with that bullet in his chest.




- He had 2 kids, but acted as a guardian for 10. And his wife was totally dead at the time.

So... yeah.

Andrew Jackson.
Best President ever.

I'm going to name my penis...

I figure it's about time. It's not an uncommon practice, if I am to believe everything I learn from sitcoms.
Now, it's OBVIOUS that there's only one name epic enough to fulfill such a position;
"Is it Thor?"
Shit that, some hammers are just too powerful for even this admittedly badass motha' fucker.
"Speaking of 'motha fuckaz' is it Samuel L. Jackson?"
While it has been said that the only thing black about me is my dick [and liver], no, I am not going to name my schlong after the Baron of Badass.
"Well how about Superman; you can't get much more epic than that."
Oh, I beg to differ. Besides, I'd name my cock Red Son long before I'd name it after a dopey news reporter with poor eyesight. Alright, enough ado, drum roll please.
After much deliberation, I, Optimus Prime, have decided to name my gigantic member Dragonforce.


If you don't know what Dragonforce is, you don't deserve to, but I'll tell you to Google it, anyways, because that amount of epicness will probably kill you and your feeble soul, anyways.