After everything I'VE put up with all year and not complained about, my scoundrel of a roommate complains about one joke, and manages to get me kicked out of my room and forces ME to have a conduct hearing.
HE'S the one that's been calling me nothing but Squalorboy for the last quarter.
HE'S the one that's pissed on himself 4 times this year, and had the audacity to track his deplorable filth-covered self into our room half of those times.
HE'S the one that insults me, my family, my medical conditions, and my heritage on a daily basis.
HE'S the one that, for the sake of "learning new vocab words" writes poorly-structured sentences defaming me and my character.
And it's on that last note that I have chosen to set forth my task of revenge.
I TOOK those sticky-notes for evidence against him in the upcoming conduct hearing, and replaced them with a few choice ones of my own.
The first read:
(TheRoommate) is the yellowest craven, milksop of a recreant to ever have cursed the earth with his presence.
The second read:
TheRoommate is, in fact NOT - contrary to popular belief - a gentleman, for a true noble would address his inter-personal difficulties in a face-to-face, amicable manner, before seeking other means of mediation.
The final note read:
TheRoommate, however, is duplicitous and a recreant.
I HOPE YOU LIVE FOREVER.
And boy if I don't do everything within my power to keep this poor soul alive as long as possible. The Chinese have a saying "I hope you live in interesting times." It's supposed to be the greatest insult ever, for by "interesting," they are of course referring to times marked by conquerers, war, famine, and death. I will make TheRoommate's time on this planet - no matter how long or short - so interesting, he'll have wished I was actually a serial killer who would murder him in his sleep as a college freshman.
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